Which Attachment Style Is Affecting Your Breakup?

Sadly, January is THE month for breakups. It’s the month where solicitors receive the most enquiries for divorces; Google sees the search ‘I want a divorce’ grow 230%, while Relate, the relationship charity also says their peak month for calls is January. Whether you’ve instigated the breakup or not, the end of a relationship can be so tough and draining. But, did you know that it may be your attachment style that could determine how you’ll process the breakup?

So, if you’re struggling with any relationship problem or dealing with a messy breakup, determining your attachment style can really help you to work out what’s affecting you and how to manage it healthily.

What Is Attachment Theory?

Coined by John Bowlby, attachment theory is the process of determining different attachment styles and behaviours. While often referred to in the caregiver/child context, it has since been applied to many forms of psychological connections such as with friends and in relationships too.

Bowlby describes attachment as a ‘unique emotional bond that involves the exchange of comfort, care and pleasure’. However, there are several different types of attachment and many different ways this psychological connectedness can manifest, especially in relationships. See which one you are in the quiz below;

Different Relationship Attachment Styles

Proximity Maintenance/Anxiety

This is you if you;

• Tend to be overly attached to your partner
• Want to spend all your time with them
• Didn’t think you were good enough for your partner
• Always believe and state that your partner could do better
• Continuously look for reassurance.

Your breakup style is;

You tend to really struggle with a breakup. It can feel like emotional turmoil. While your friends may seemingly get over a breakup in a week or two, you find yourself taking much longer to get over it. You may also find that low self-esteem leads you to try and get back with an ex, convincing yourself that you don’t deserve any better and won’t meet anyone else.

How to get over a breakup;

It is essential to understand the reasons behind your anxiety when it comes to relationships. It may be something from childhood or perhaps an experience in a former relationship. In order to healthily process the breakup, it is important to heal any issues from the past and build your self-esteem and confidence to know that you do deserve that relationship you dream of.

Secure

This is you if you;

• Find yourself searching for the things your relationship lacks
• Feel comfortable without your partner as you trust they will always be there for you
• Are comfortable sharing your feelings with your partner
• Generally have trusting and lasting relationships
• If your relationships are short, it is because you know that you need more
• Have relatively good self-esteem in your relationship.

Your breakup style is;

While a breakup is never easy, you take each relationship end as a chance to review your time together and understand what you need from a partnership in order to be happy. You take time to consider what you do and don’t want in a relationship.

It helps you to spend time on your own after a breakup to self-soothe and understand your feelings and deal with them. You also know you have friends to support you when you’re ready.

How to get over a breakup;

My visualisation technique for breakups is that whenever you think about your past relationship, you instead visualise what you want from your next relationship. Consider all the reasons why the partnership didn’t work and replace these negativities with the things you do want. Put in place your wish list of relationship requirements into your visualisation.

Avoidant and Fearful

This is you if you;

• Don’t feel like you can share your feelings and thoughts with your partner
• Have a fear of intimacy
• Avoid long-term and meaningful relationships
• Invest little emotion into your relationships
• Are scared of abandonment
• Struggle with self-esteem issues.

Your breakup style is;

Generally, relationships are short. If they are long, there may have been a struggle with trust and perhaps jealousy. As soon as issues arise in the relationship, you tend to cut the ties quickly. During a breakup, you may find that you try to numb your feelings or tell everyone that you are completely fine. You may feel the need to run away with a holiday or break; you may perhaps try to get into a new relationship as quickly as possible or rebound with a one-night stand.

All of these are tactics are your way of hiding and masking the emotions and pain of a breakup.

How to get over a breakup;

Jumping and rushing into another relationship means you are likely to repeat and follow the same behaviour patterns that caused issues in your past relationship. It is vital to truly understand any underlying issues and hypnotherapy can really help if you’re feeling lost with this. Then it is time to look at what you actually want from your next relationship so that you feel in control and can manifest a healthier, positive coupling.

Ambivalent and Dismissive

This is you if you;

• Worry your partner doesn’t love you
• Feel reluctant to become close to someone
• Predict the end of your relationship when you’re with your partner
• Feel like you will always end up alone
• Pretend or believe that a breakup doesn’t affect you
• Rationalise the reasons why your relationship won’t last or why it ended.

Your breakup style is;

While you may traditionally avoid relationships as you don’t want to lose your independence, when a relationship does end, you may blame the other person. You’ll also claim or believe that you don’t feel anything after a breakup. Alternatively, you may feel uncomfortable or with indescribable feeling and try to avoid these feelings. Instead, you focus on your independence with solo activities.

How to get over a breakup;

While it is great to enjoy your renewed independence and spend time loving being on your own before beginning a new relationship, it is worth recognising and exploring the feelings you try to avoid. It is often said that the more you try to avoid certain feelings, the more these need to be explored. This can help you to understand exactly what scares you, so you can address them and enjoy healthy relationships in the future. Again, hypnotherapy can really help if you’re struggling to access these feelings.

Which attachment style are you?

Once you know your own attachment style, you can begin to recognise your old behaviour patterns. Then through using healthy breakup techniques, you can process the breakup and understand your own feelings. This way, you’ll be able to move on and enter new relationships in a healthy and hopefully successful way.

As a hypnotherapist that specialises in relationships and breakups, I can help you to process your breakup quickly and effectively so that you can get back to enjoying your life. If you are struggling with a breakup or perhaps recognise a particular attachment style that you want to move on from, I can help. Book your first free consultation with me by emailing info@hypnosis-in-london.com, so we can discuss your goals and change you want to see.