Dr. Michele Lastella, a sleep researcher at Appleton Institute for Behavioural Science at CQ University, has been investigating the link between sex and sleep. Based…
The Seven Types Of Affairs
According to research, one in five people in the UK have had affairs while over a third of the population has thought about it. Furthermore, the number of people having affairs continues to grow.
As a hypnotherapist specialising in relationships, I have many clients who are affected by infidelity. Through my experience, I have found that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to infidelity, it certainly isn’t as black and white as most observers would think. In fact, I believe there are seven different types of affairs.
The Seven Different Types Of Affairs
1. The “It’s Just Sex” Affair
Whether they feel there is a lack of sex in their relationship, or have an intense desire for another person, many people cite their affair as being lust-filled fun and nothing more. Often people feel powerless to the sexual attraction and perhaps the excitement of feeling sexually alive again. Usually, this affair is short-lived as passion dies and there is little connection apart from the physical aspect.
2. “It’s a Family Affair”
Family affairs are more common than you expect. As well as growing close to people you spend a lot of time with, such as your spouse’s brother or sister, these affairs are usually combined with family dysfunction, jealousy and resentment. While these affairs seem like the perfect crime, they are catastrophic for the entire family when uncovered.
3. The “Soulmate” Affair
The ‘soulmate’ affairs, out of all seven types, are usually the ones that lead to a new relationship. These are the affairs that start when two people connect at multiple levels. Connections between the two occur at an emotional, intellectual, spiritual and sexual level, sometimes unearthing parts of themselves that were hidden. Typically, these affairs will feel ‘complete’. However, these are usually the ones that cause the most disruption due to the breakdown of the facade that has been hidden and maintained over the years.
4. The “Revenge” Affair
Resentment towards a spouse can build up during an unhappy marriage. These affairs don’t necessarily come about as revenge for a spouse’s affair (although this is common too) but as revenge for actions within the marriage that causes anger. Feeling ignored, unloved and disregarded can lead to people seeking revenge in the form of infidelity for years of an unhappy relationship.
5. The “What-If” Affair
These are the lingering affairs that may not amount to sex but will leave a lasting impression. Usually, these not-quite affairs come about when spending a great deal of time or working closely together. The bond becomes intimate and emotional, and while the ‘we’re just friends’ line will be used, both parties know it is more than a friendship.
6. “It’s More Than An Affair”
Typically, this type of affair involves one available person and one who isn’t. Talks will inevitably lead to having a relationship together. The available person will usually justify the affair as a relationship. However, more often than not, the spoken-for person will have no intention of leaving their spouse. It ends up as a trap.
7. The “Social Media” Affair
A study found that 76% of women and 59% of men think it is cheating to send a flirty text. However, that shows a large proportion of people who think emotional intimacy through text, WhatsApp and social media is not an affair. The social media affair can be incredibly powerful and all-consuming, even if you never, or rarely, meet in person.
Typically these affairs will manifest as sharing daily life and problems through frequent messaging. Receiving a message from your digital lover can give you the same effect as an orgasm as dopamine is released every time your phone lights up. This, in turn, makes you biochemically addicted to your social media affair, usually more than the person you’re having an affair with.
As these affairs do not seem ‘real’, it is easy for people to deny them. With this, these affairs can go on for years but will usually fizzle out over time, until the next one comes along. Typically, these affairs are more common for people who have ‘Words of Affirmation’ as their predominant love language.
The Silver Lining
Many people follow the saying of ‘once a cheat, always a cheat’. This is with good reason as people who have cheated before are 350% more likely to cheat again. This likelihood is regardless of whether it is with a new or the same partner. So despite this negative press, can an affair ever be good?
Some affairs can actually be healthy and restore vitality in a person and a relationship. It may motivate you to fix your current relationship or perhaps provide the momentum to break from an unhealthy relationship. An affair can even help to propel the change you want to see in yourself.
While people may blame others for their affair, or perhaps claim ‘it just happened’ an affair is your choice. Having an awareness of your part to play in an affair can help you to make more conscious decisions. Furthermore, you can learn as to the reasons behind your affair, and if there are underlying problems that you need to address.
As a relationship hypnotherapist, I am here to help you navigate through all manner of relationship problems. If you want to find out how hypnotherapy can help you and your attitude to relationships, then call 0207 971 7677 for your free 15-minute consultation.
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Jordan, W. (2018). YouGov | 1 in 5 British adults say they’ve had an affair. [online] YouGov: What the world thinks. Available at: https://yougov.co.uk/news/2015/05/27/one-five-british-adults-admit-affair/ [Accessed 25 Sep. 2018].
LaFata, A. (2018). Texting Has The Same Effect As An Orgasm, That’s Why You’re Addicted. [online] Elite Daily. Available at: https://www.elitedaily.com/life/culture/receiving-text-message-like-orgasm/845037 [Accessed 26 Sep. 2018].
Metro.co.uk. (2018). Can an affair ever become a healthy relationship? What are the risks? | Metro News. [online] Available at: https://metro.co.uk/2018/01/10/can-affair-ever-become-healthy-relationship-7214164/ [Accessed 26 Sep. 2018].
Npr.org. (2018). NPR Choice page. [online] Available at: https://www.npr.org/2015/07/26/426434619/sorting-through-the-numbers-on-infidelity?t=1537953344188 [Accessed 26 Sep. 2018].