How To Get Over A Break-Up

This week on Glamour Magazine’s Instagram feed I spoke about relationship breakups. Many of you asked for more information about the different stages we all go through and what we can do about it… so here you go! Please share your questions/comments over on my Instagram.

Whether your breakup was an amicable split, a blazing row or something in between, it doesn’t matter how things ended; it can still be incredibly tough to move on from.

It is important to know that everything you’re feeling in a breakup is completely normal.

The hurt, the anger, the sadness, the emptiness are all a natural part of a breakup. So is the lack of confidence, self- esteem and rejection that you might experience too.

As an expert, my relationship breakup plans can help you to get over a breakup quickly and healthily, so you are fully ready to embrace the fantastic future that lies ahead.

A breakup is the death of a relationship and the end of your dreams for the future together, so it is perfectly reasonable to grieve for your breakup just as you would a bereavement. In a difficult breakup you may experience some or all of these five stages of breakup grieving;

1.      Denial

• Are you telling yourself you’ll be back together next week?
• Maybe you are still messaging them late at night?
• Are you dreaming of your reunion and life together?

All of these aspects fall into the denial category of processing a relationship breakup.

You may tell yourself (and everyone else) that it’s over, but you can’t quite face the reality of the end of your relationship.

You may find it difficult to cut the ties and the communication links.

If your ex is in the same stage too, you may still be talking and flirting like you are still together, making it so much harder to process the end of the relationship and the fact that it’s time for a fresh start.

2.      Anger

Whether you want to scream and shout at your ex or perhaps have a vendetta for the person who you may blame for the relationship, anger is a big part of a breakup.

Anger can be hard to recognise as a driver for certain behaviours, especially when you’re not an outwardly angry person.

You may feel anger at yourself, your ex, the situation or just angry at the whole world for getting in the way of your relationship. This anger may manifest in self-sabotage or perhaps firing off a barrage of angry messages to your ex, blaming them for every negative aspect of your relationship and breakup.

Perhaps you’re getting angry when people don’t seem supportive, or maybe you feel like they’re taking sides with your ex. You may also want revenge during this stage and find yourself seeking comfort with another person or sleeping with someone else to get back at your ex.

3.      Bargaining

Are you or your partner telling each other; ‘I can change!’? This is a common type of bargaining after the end of the relationship when you try to patch things up and get back together.

It’s important to remember that you shouldn’t have to change yourself for a relationship.

You may find yourself bargaining with the universe, rather than a person. Telling yourself; ‘I will do X if they come back to me’. During this phase, it is vital to focus on the reasons the relationship ended, to prevent yourself from getting back into an unhealthy coupling.

4.      Depression

Are sad songs, bucket loads of junk food and romantic films the way you’re processing a breakup? This falls into the category of depression, where you just can’t get enjoyment from the things you usually love.

All you want to do is curl up in PJs are cut yourself off from the rest of the world.

This stage can feel never-ending, like you’ll never be able to get over the relationship, let alone meet someone new in the future.

5.      Acceptance

Finally, it feels like there is light at the end of the tunnel. You may begin to feel more energised and thinking about your ex may not feel so painful.

Often, you will dip in and out of Acceptance as the breakup progresses.

Some days you may feel like you are moving on and other days you may not feel so confident. The focus of this stage is knowing that, when the time is right, you can and will move on.

Things you can do right now to help you get over your ex…

Are you still staring at your phone, desperate to text your ex? You are not over your ex if you’re stalking them on social media, wanting to get in touch or finding ways or excuses to talk or ‘accidentally’ bump into them.

To pull yourself out of this difficult trap of wanting to communicate, I get my clients to record the story of the relationship – warts and all – on their phone. In this recording, you should list what wasn’t working and what really irritated or upset you in the relationship.

During the initial stages of the breakup, listen to your story at least ten times a day. This helps to cement in your mind that the breakup was the right thing to do. It can help you process the end of a situation that wasn’t right for you, so you can move onto something and someone that is.

Then, whenever you feel the urge to look them up on social media or drop them a line, listen to the recording before you do anything else. This can help to curb your urge to get in touch.

My bespoke blend of therapeutic strategies work to help you move on quickly and healthily, so you’re not staring at your phone all day. Want to find out more? Call 0207 971 7677 to book your free chat with me.

Another great technique to get over a relationship is to visualise what you want from your next one! Everyone has the ability to imagine. Yes, even you!

So close your eyes and create a mental image of what you want from your next relationship.

Do you want more time together? Perhaps you want regular date nights or holidays? Maybe you dream of buying a pet with your next partner? Whatever would make you happy in a relationship, visualise it in your mind, giving as many tiny details to the visualisation as possible.

Don’t worry if you can’t imagine your dream partner, just focus on the must-have aspects of your next relationship.

Visualisations are a big part of getting over an ex. During my hypnotherapy sessions, I can help you feel more confident and assertive in getting what you want, help you to mentally throw away any baggage your holding onto from previous relationships, and ensure you feel happy and confident for the next stage in your life.

Get more helpful strategies delivered straight to your inbox once a week! 

Relationship Posts Written by Malminder Gill