Getting your brain over the breakup…fast

Breakups are inevitable for most of us. According to Helen Chua, a marriage expert, over 85 percent of relationships end up in breakups. This usually happens in long-term relationships as time can magnify our partner’s flaws.[1]

Although it’s inevitable, breakups can be a source of great psychological distress, especially during its early stages. You will feel bad about yourself, feel rejected, stuck, and unable to move on even if you wanted to. There will also be moments when you feel like you’re obsessing with your ex and you can’t focus on other things aside from him/her. The brain is at fault here but don’t worry, there’s another part of the brain that can help you move on.

How Breakup Can Be Like Physical Pain

We often used the words ache, hurt, and pain to describe the pain after a relationship breakup. The emotional pain after a breakup is real and it has something in common with physical pain – they both activate the same part of the brain.

In one study, 40 people who experienced an unwanted romantic relationship breakup within the past 6 months had their brains scanned while they view the photograph of their ex and thought about the breakup. Researchers found out that this activity lit up the same areas of the brain that support sensory components of physical pain.[2] The study demonstrated that a breakup and physical pain are similar – they are both distressing and share a common somatosensory representation.

This is supported by another study in which the participants were scanned while playing a virtual ball tossing game in which they are ultimately excluded. Researchers discovered that social exclusion or rejection activates very similar brain patterns found in studies of physical pain.[3]

How Breakup Can Be Similar to Getting Over an Addiction

Romantic love is a natural form of addiction. During the initial stages of the relationship, people who are in love show symptoms of behavioral addiction such as euphoria, physical and emotional dependence, tolerance, and craving.

Brain scan studies reveal that feelings of intense romantic love engage certain regions of the brain’s reward system specifically of dopamine-rich regions such as the ventral tegmental area. This same area is being activated when one is addicted to a drug.

Romantic love can either be a positive or negative addiction. It is a positive addiction when it is reciprocated and appropriate. When it’s not or when one is rejected, it is a negative addiction.[4]
As a natural addiction, there are certain responses following a romantic rejection that are inevitable. Helen Fisher and her team has a good explanation for this.

Using functional resonance imaging, the team studied 10 women and 5 men who had recently been rejected by a partner but are reported to be still intensely in love with them. They were asked to view the photograph of their ex and a photograph of a familiar individual and provided with a distraction-attention task.

When subjects of the study looked at the photograph of their ex-partner, brain areas associated with gains, losses, craving, and emotion regulation are activated. These same areas are activated among cocaine addicts. Since these systems are critical to survival, feelings and behaviors related to romantic rejection such as stalking and even depression are hard to control.[5]

How Your Brain Can Help You Get Over It

While the brain is largely responsible for the addictive feelings and behavior following a breakup, it also has a way of getting over it.

In a review article, researchers from Saint Louis University revealed that people are hardwired to fall out of love and move into a new romantic relationship.[6]

“Our review of the literature suggests we have a mechanism in our brains designed by natural selection to pull us through a very tumultuous time in our lives. It suggests people will recover; the pain will go away with time. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel,” Dr. Brian Boutwell, associate professor of criminology and criminal justice and associate professor of epidemiology at Saint Louis University.

Boutwell and his colleagues examined how people fall out of love and breakup (primary mate ejection) and how they move on and develop a new romantic relationship (secondary mate ejection).

Based on functional MRI scans of those who are deeply in love, there is an increase neuronal activity in the pleasure areas of the brain, the same areas that are also active during cocaine use. Hence, according to Boutwell, falling out of love can be likened to breaking a drug habit. However, the brain has its way of getting over it.

“A person might initially pursue their old mate—in an attempt to win back their affection. However, if pursuit is indeed fruitless, then the brains of individuals may act to correct certain emotions and behaviors, paving the way for people to become attracted to new mates and form new relationships.”

Things to Help You Get Over a Breakup

1. Reflect on the relationship for what it was
When you’re reflecting on the relationship for what it was, you will see that it’s neither all good nor all bad. This will keep you from focusing mainly on the good or positive side of it, which will make it harder for you to accept that it’s over.[7]

2. Just do something that you think can help
Whether it’s talking to a friend or starting a new hobby, science has it that doing something, anything that you think can help can eventually mend your broken heart.

According to a study published in the Journal of Neuroscience, positive expectations may be enough to influence areas of the brain normally triggered by feel-good hormones.[8]

Psychologists from the University of Colorado Boulder recruited 40 volunteers for this study. The subjects were those who had broken up in the past six months. They were asked to bring two photos – one of their ex and one of their platonic friend.[9]

Everyone was subjected to functional MRI while being shown one photo after the other. In between these photos, the researchers applied heat on everyone’s arm using a temperature-controlled device. Volunteers were then asked to rate their pain on a scale of 1 to 5.

The scans revealed that same regions of the brain are activated when heat is applied on one’s arm and when one is looking at the picture of his/her ex, validating the idea of emotional pain.

Half of the group was then given with nasal spray and was told that it helps in reducing emotional pain while the other half was told that it’s just a saline spray.

In a subsequent MRI scan, those who were given what they thought to be a pain-reducing spray were reported to have less physical and emotional pain. When shown pictures of their exes, there is an increased activity in brain areas involved in controlling emotions and a decreased activity in regions associated with rejection.

The study suggests that if one believes that a certain remedy will help him/her in getting over his/her ex, then there’s a good chance that it will.

3. Try not to look pictures of your ex or other sentimental reminders
Looking at pictures of your ex and visiting places you usually hang out together can create dopamine-related cravings, making it harder for you to get over him/her.

If these suggestions don’t help, you can also try hypnotherapy. Hypnosis is a powerful way of overcoming a breakup and gaining back your confidence. In my practice, I have helped men and women who had difficult times with their partner and those who are suffering from rejection or unrequited love.

Breakups are hard to deal with but know that even at this most difficult time, you can get over it. Trust your brain and trust yourself.

Published by Hypnosis in London on 28 August 2017, written by Malminder Gill.

[1] Light, O. (2017). Over 85% of Dating Ends up in Breakups — Upcoming New Book on Relationships Sheds Light. [online] PRWeb. Available at: [Accessed 25 Aug. 2017].
[2] Kross, E., Berman, M., Mischel, W., Smith, E. and Wager, T. (2017). Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain.
[3] Eisenberger, N. (2017). Does Rejection Hurt? An fMRI Study of Social Exclusion.
[4] Fisher, H., Xu, X., Aron, A. and Brown, L. (2017). Intense, Passionate, Romantic Love: A Natural Addiction? How the Fields That Investigate Romance and Substance Abuse Can Inform Each Other.
[5] Fisher, H., Brown, L., Aron, A., Strong, G. and Mashek, D. (2017). Reward, Addiction, and Emotion Regulation Systems Associated With Rejection in Love.
[6] (2017). Just Slip Out the Back, Jack. [online] Available at: [Accessed 25 Aug. 2017].
[7] breakup, 6. (2017). 6 proven ways to get over a breakup. [online] Business Insider. Available at: [Accessed 25 Aug. 2017].
[8] Koban, L., Kross, E., Woo, C., Ruzic, L. and Wager, T. (2017). Frontal-Brainstem Pathways Mediating Placebo Effects on Social Rejection.
[9] (2017). Here’s How to Get Over a Breakup. [online] Available at: [Accessed 25 Aug. 2017].