Dirty Talk – How To Talk About Sex With Your Partner (Without Awkwardness)
In the last British sex survey, over a third of people reported having a high or very high sex drive. However, almost half of people rate the sexual performance of their most recent partner as average. Sadly, 12% say their last partner was poor or very poor in bed. Furthermore, the study shows that Brits are having less sex. So, despite many Brits having a high sex drive, people are typically having less, unfulfilling sex. With that in mind, if you’re one of the people having less than fantastic sex, how can you talk about sex with your partner so that you can feel more satisfied?
How To Talk About Sex
Are you actually dissatisfied?
Before starting the conversation, it is essential to assess whether you really are dissatisfied. The media can portray sex as vastly different to the sex you are having, from frequency to the level of adventurousness. While the average Brit has sex four times a month, this is not a goal to aim for or a baseline to judge by. If you and your partner are happy with more sex, less sex, or have a sexless relationship, and it works for both of you, then don’t feel that you need to change.
Time and place matters
Picking the right moment to talk about sex is critical. It can be a sensitive topic. If emotions are running high, then the dialogue won’t be constructive. Don’t let the conversation be a surprise either. Instead, prepare your partner in advance. This could be as simple as saying; ‘Are you free for a walk on Saturday afternoon? I would love a chance to discuss how we can enhance our sex lives in a way that works for both of us.’
It is best to select a neutral place to have the conversation. This should be away from prying ears and certainly not in an intimate setting such as the bedroom.
Talking about sex should make your bond stronger, so the conversation should be calm and comfortable. Start by explaining the positive feelings, such as that you love them, then raise the issue you are experiencing. Remember, your partner may not be experiencing the same thing as you.
Make sure to structure the sentence in a way that makes what you feel clear, non-judgemental and without accusation; ‘I feel that we are not having sex as often as we used to, and I would like to have sex with you more regularly. How do you feel about that?’
A discussion about your sex life doesn’t have to be dull; it could be the conversation you need to reignite a spark. For example, ‘I was thinking about how hot it would be if we did… would you be interested in trying that, sometime?’ After all, you cannot expect your partner to know exactly what you want unless you explain your sexual desires clearly.
There may be a million ideas you have to spice up your sex life. However, overloading your partner with information is likely to confuse them. Moreover, you still won’t have explained what change you actually want to see. Instead, focus on one topic per conversation. This way, you have addressed a concern and put a resolution in place. In a few weeks, you can approach another issue, if necessary.
Sexual desires will change regularly, so the more you get used to having the conversation, the better. Small changes and continual improvements will be much more constructive than letting issues build up until they become unbearable.
But, what if my partner isn’t receptive?
If you and your partner both want to be together, but your partner doesn’t want to improve your sex life in the ways you suggest, what then?
The first thing to do is to address any underlying problems. It may be that your partner isn’t receiving the emotional support they need before they can physically engage with you. Straightening out any kinks in your relationship before making changes to your sex life can dramatically improve your relationship as a whole.
Secondly, there may be underlying issues for your partner such as work problems, stress or self-esteem issues that they need to work through first. It is essential to show that you are supportive of your partner’s needs, without rushing them. In cases such as this, it may be useful to seek support yourself, so you are in the best position to be there for your partner without neglecting your own needs.
Thirdly, you need to create a plan that works for both of you so that you avoid getting into the same behaviour cycle. If neither of you can budge on a particular issue, then you may both need some time for self-reflection. Hypnotherapy can enable you to think clearly. It can help you to work out whether the expectation you have is a requirement in your relationship or is an issue that you’ve let manifest in the relationship.
Often issues such as a lack of sex or feeling unattractive to your partner are due to a self-confidence issue rather than a problem with the relationship. Differentiating between your own anxiety and your relationship requirements can be incredibly beneficial so that you know exactly what you want from yourself and others.
Is it me or the relationship?
If you need help with a particular relationship issue or think that a problem in your relationship may be a result of something bigger within yourself, then hypnotherapy can help. Together we can peel back the layers to find the root cause of issues, helping to increase your awareness and address any areas of your life that you need to. Start today by booking your free 15-minute consultation with me by calling 0207 971 7677.